By
- Dear Annie, Annie Lane
Dear Annie: My daughter-in-law and I have never had a good relationship, but we tolerate each other because of my son.
I have tried to be a good mother-in-law. I never visit unannounced. When my DIL had surgery for breast cancer, I took her to her appointments, and I was even the one to go with her when she rang the bell at the end of her treatment.
Approximately a year ago, we attended a party. I rode to the affair with my youngest son. When it was time to leave, my other son said, “Come on, let’s go!” When I went to get in the car, my DIL said there was no room. There would have been three people in the backseat. I told my son, “Your wife said there’s no room!” My son told me to get in the car anyway, so I did. On the way home, no one said a word, and it was obvious that my DIL was angry.
Since that time, we have seen each other at family functions, and we are cordial but distant. I feel that my DIL was disrespectful of my feelings by not wanting to give me a ride that night. I think she owes me an apology. I feel bad for my son. I have expressed my feelings to him, to which he said he understood.
In my opinion, my DIL is selfish, and over the years, she hasn’t done anything for anyone unless there is a benefit for her. Should I ask her for an apology or just continue being cordial but superficial?
—Kind but Still Hurt
Dear Kind: It sounds like you’ve been a steady source of support for your DIL over the years, especially when it came to her health troubles. I’m sure she and your son appreciate that, even if they don’t tell you very often.
This car ride incident has clearly stuck with you, but you need to ask yourself: Is this the hill you want to die on? There’s a good chance her reaction that night had more to do with something on her end than anything with you. Bringing it up a year after the fact, especially to ask for an apology, would likely only strain your relationship further. You’ve also already expressed your feelings to your son, and his response made one thing clear: He hears you, but he’s standing by his wife.
Keeping things polite and surface-level may not be what you hoped for, but it’s likely the best way to preserve the peace—and your connection with your son.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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